…in the year of our Lord MMVIII that Moguntium V was sorely rebuffed as they strove to capture the pinnacle of the Divisionum Secundus and were again cast down into the depths of Paderbornus and Osnabruckum for yet another year.
And the populace and the gladiators of Moguntium V did wail bitterly and chant in chorus “Oh Lord, why must you punish us so? Could Thou not have cast magic on the gladiators of Hoffenheimus and given them two left feet, just for yesterday?”
And the Lord appeared before them and they showed great fear and hid their faces from Him.
And the Lord spake thus:
“Look at thee alll! Thou truly art a worthless lot and remindeth Me of the parable that Saint Peter doth relate.”
“A man cometh to the Pearly Gates and saith ” Ah, St Peter, mate. Sorry I’m somewhat tardy, squire, but I was delayed in getting here, what with helping old ladies across the road, and popping into church to do a few Hail Marys and sorting the rubbish into bio-degradable and otherwise, not to mention separating paper, tins and plastic”
And Saint Peter said ” Thou toad. I know thee for years, thou that stoppeth not for children on the zebra crossing and parketh in mobility challenged parking spaces and flicks thy fag ends out of the car window onto the road and jumps queues, elbows and all, at Aldimus market. Thou only started on getting brownie points when thou heard the Grim Reaper rattling his chains in the neighbourhood. Get thee forth and try yourweasel words on a more gullible bugger”
And the people looked blank-faced, not having got the jist of the Lord’s parable.
And the Lord saith “My oath, thou art a thick lot.”
“Thou thinketh that just by knocking the spots off Saint Paulus 5:1 in the last battle, thou shall be welcomed into the Heaven of the Divisionum Primus and wallow in the richness of its fertile fields and pig out on milk and honey? Nay, it worketh not like that one bit”
“Did thee not think to pull out thy digit in the battle against Allemania Aachen in thy own coliseum on the Via Broco but a week ago? Or Erzgebirge Aue, I mean 3-3, what were thee thinking? And thou wart bloody lucky against Kaiserslautern, too. People doth always leaveth things to the last minute, just like the sodding unicorns on the Ark”
And Gladiator Gunkelus diid mutter “This bastard’s worse than the Prophet Kloppo”, ignorant of the fact that the Lord heareth and seeth all.
And the Lord was angry and said “Oi! Gladiator Gunkelus! Dost thou not know that I am the Lord God Almighty, who heareth and seeth all. And Gladiator Gunkelus was meek and saw the error of his ways and said “Oh, shit, I’m in for it now”)
And the Lord said “Verily thou art deeply in for it, Gunkelus, thee who hung around the pitch for 90 minutes in the battle against Allemania Aachen like a spare whatsit at a matrimus and then declare “we shall have to pull out all the stops at the next battle” Dost thou not realise that the patrons of the Via Broco do dig deep into their toga pockets each week to pay you piles of denari to do EXACTLY THAT?.At every battle?
“If thou dost not shape up, I shall cast thee like thy namesake into the lions’ den and this time there shall not be some softy Leo with a thorn in his paw so that thee can play the hero. Nay, thou shalt be cast into the Ultra pen and see how thou liketh that!”
And the Prophet Kloppo did become impatient and saith
“Sod this for a game of gladiators. I’m off to a new coliseum, where they will ply me with sacrificial virgins and caskets of dosh and roll out the red carpet”
And the Lord was verily angry with the Prophet Kloppo and said “I am the Lord God Almighty, who heareth and seeth all, so just hang on a minute, mate. Thy halo is sorely tarnished, for thou hast truly cocked up this season, especially when choosing reinforcements at critical phases in the battle. I mean, what were you thinking of, sport? Leaving thy best galdiators festering on the bench in the battle of Colonia?”
And the Prophet Kloppo was meek and hung his head in shame, for he knew that the Lord was right (And he just hoped that there weren’t too many others about who heareth and seeth all like the Lord…)
And the Lord did continue to wax wrath and saith, with an eye firmly fixed on Senator Christianus Heidelus and Presidentus Haraldus Strutzius
“And thou villains knoweth full well that thou hast pulleth the wool over the eyes of virtually everyone for thy new Coliseum Cofacius in Bretzenheimus.”
“But I am the Lord God Almighty, who heareth and seeth all just in case thou hast forgotten and I know full well that thou hast indulged in some very dodgy creative accounting and that the populace of Moguntium will be sorely burdened for generations to come to pay for your graven image.”
“And it shall come to pass that an ecological survey shall determine that the graven image of the Coliseum Cofacius will block the flow of the good ethers to the populace of Moguntia and it shall not be built and thou shalt be condemned to spend your Fridays, Sundays and Mondays at the Coliseum Via Broco”
And thus did end the military campaign of the Divisionum Secundus of the year of our Lord MMVIII.
Not very well for all concerned.